Dear ladies and fellas
During the past weeks many people questioned my legitimacy to criticize and question terrorism. I mean, I grew up in places like Switzerland, Georgia (The country, not the state…) and Russia, speak different languages, sounds like I lived the life of a fairy in Paristan, doesn`t it?!? Who am I to criticize desperate, young men, right?!? Well things are not always as they seem.
Indeed I was born in Zurich/ Switzerland as the daughter of Swiss father and mother of Ukranian-Jewish and Georgian descent. For my mother the marriage with my father was a way to get out of Soviet Union and my birth was just another way to keep my father married to her as long as it was necessary to get the Swiss passport. My mother never wanted me in the first place, she just didn`t want to send back to the now gone Soviet Union by my father, who discovered, after the marriage, that my mother was not only an alcoholic, but also a hooker. But I was there, even after my mother received her passport and my life became useless to her. But before that, when I was three years old, my mother had a huge argument with my father. After said argument my mother grabbed her stuff and abducted me, she took me to her mother and left me there. Her mother, my grandmother lived then in post civil war Tblissi. Although I know that my father suffered in the following years tremendously because he had no idea were I was and I know that post civil war Georgia was an awful place, I am almost too ashamed to admit, that those years were good years. Because my grandparents loved me and my mother did not bother to show up much back then. But my grandparents and especally my grandmother managed to make me feel live like in Paradise, at a place that would make look today`s South Side in Chicago look like „Disneyland“. Because any idiot had a gun and other stuff, that was looted from the stocks of the Red Army.
Later, when I was back in Switzerland and my parents separated, my mother had for some time the full custody over me. It was a nightmare, she gave up on herself and she did not care for me, besides making the lives of my father and me miserable. One day, when I grabbed a book from a bookshelf, that was in my mother`s room, said book fell out of my hands. My mother was lying in bed, but as soon as the book hit the ground, she grabbed a half full bottle of „Ararat“ cognac & threw said bottle on me. The bottle bursted and the shards and the cognac fell on the floor. When she realized, that she had wasted booze because of me, she jumped at the bed, started yelling, cursing and beating me up, till I fell on the floor and everything turned grey in front of my eyes. In all those years my mother was either not responsive to my needs or abusive, both physical and psychological. After some time her behaviour was even for the child service in Zurich too much and my father got the full custody over me.
Time went by and as I was downgraded* to secondary school with a huge Muslim body of pupils, the nightmare started again. It was in seventh grade, my maternal grandparents had passed away a short time before and my grandmother inherited me her Magen David, her Star of David pendant. On the first day at school I made two grave mistakes: First I wore said Star of David pendant openly and secondly I overheard a conservation in which two guys said, that Osama Bin Laden would fuck America and George W. Bush and Islam would conquer the world. I noticed that one of the guys wore a t-shirt with Skanderbeg** on it and dared to ask said guys, why in hell he would ware a shirt from somebody, who was known to fight against the Othman Empire and Islam. The two guys from the conversation were the two school bullies, Burim and Ali. With my audacity two question them, I had made my grave in said school. From that day, those two guys were relentless in beating my Jewish-Caucasian ass up and encouraged others too also beat and bully me. The teachers at the school had no others solutions, than to suggest that I should leave my Star of David at home. My main teacher had even the nerves to tell me, when my classmate Shqiprim*** poured the trash bin over me, which he did quite often, encouraged by Burim and Ali, that I should humble myself, because it is humiliating for a male from his culture, that a Jewish girl is doing better in something (In my case: grades) than him. After several broken ribbs and countless bruises I had a meeting with Ali and the principal. I don`t know why Burim didn`t attend said meeting, but at said meeting the principal asked Ali why he did all this to me and Ali answerd, that he did it, because we Jews are Allah`s enemies and that it was the fault of us Jews, that Hussein and Ali were killed at the battle of Kerbala. First the principal was baffled, because Ali was standing in front of her and the she somewhat got herself together suggested to me, that I should apologize for the battle of Kerbala. Although I was often abused in my life, I was also gifted with a strong will and thought, that I will not apologize for something I did not commit. May my bones be broken, my will will be not. So I not gave in and some time later the principal finally had decided, that she could no longer guarantee for my safety at her school. So I was released and was allowed to attend a few lessons per week at a private tutor instead of going back to that hell.
A few years later my father died of cancer and now I was really alone, all the people that did care at some point in my life, were either gone or dead. I was devasted, I questioned my humanity, my sanity and even my right to be alive. So as you see: I was desperate and on the cold, hard ground many times in my life. I learned early the hard way, that have nobody besides me, that will take care of me and that there is often nobody ought there, that will lend me a hand when I am in desperate need. Still I have no excuses to commit a terror attack and neither have you. If I can act like a decent human being despite all the cruelty that I encountered in my life, there is no excuse for someone else, to kill innocent civilians because of misery and despair.
That`s why I also get sick and tired with people, who try to apologize and disminish terrorism. Because I know exactly what it means to be scared, desperate and to cry myself to sleep, still I am here and I defend civilized behaviour and civilization as a whole. Because of that I would also appreciate, when people would finally abstain from calling things like“sociopath“ and „heartless“, because I have no empathy for terrorists. I spare my empathy for people, who really deserve it.
*The Swiss school system is segragated, where the best students go to grammar schools, that are called gymnasium here in Switzerland, the second best pupils go the the secondary school, while the not so good pupils go to the real school, that is called „Realschule“ here and the worst students go to the „Oberschule“.
**“Skanderbeg“ is the Albanian national hero, who fought against the Othman Empire and was Catholic.
***Pronounced „Sheeprim“. „Shqiperia“ is the Albanian name for the nation of Albania and Shqiprim means simply „Albanian male“, in, you guessed it, Albanian.